We are all fallen stars

2012-02-06T13:02:00.003+08:00

if i were given a chance, just this one chance, i would choose to leave this life.
i want to live another life altogether, i don't think i can go on living this second best life.

there are too many thing i want to give up and too many things i want to forget. ― too many thing i want to achieve and too many things i want to experience. it's almost impossible for me to stop dreaming about the perfect life i can have. the desire to leave is undeniable and i can only truly find myself when i get my perfect life. i know it's something i have to work towards and i know i am trying and slowly paving my way to reach my dreams until the day comes.

just let me go.

“This is what it means to live on. When granted hope, a person uses it as fuel, as a guidepost to life. It is impossible to live without hope.“ ―1Q84.

2012-01-19T22:12:00.004+08:00

in which of things like scraped knees and blazing afternoon sun, uncertainties lie ahead.

i fell on the pavement on tuesday morning while i was rushing for my 9am class, a child and her mother was walking behind me and they tried to help me up but the first thing i felt was embarrassed so i replied "i'm fine, thank you" almost immediately. after i stood up i checked my shoes (they are new) before i checked how bad my wounds are.

kiko mizuhara // 水原希子

because she is beautiful, but does that mean she deserve it?

2011-12-31T15:32:00.002+08:00

because it's the last day // -
let's begin with being honest. this year has been a year of pain and changes, it came like chapters of a well written book. i had gone through times of immense and unbearable of emotional pain and internal struggles but each time when i emerge from the pitch darkness i knew there are more to come, waiting for me to overcome. each time i held on to my dreams and hopes, to the perfect world i created for myself, only for myself. drawers of good and bad memories, all these had became my fuel. the pain that bites me everyday, i am growing as a person, towards my dreams. / wanting to live in my own perfect world doesn't make me selfish, it makes me human. then again, which human isn't selfish and conceited? i get lot inside myself, sinking deeper and deeper... i just need to swim back to the surface of my body, where i can see the rest of the world outside my peeping out of my eyes as if they were windows. sometimes these times that i swim to the surface of myself is the only way that i can grab my own attention and remind myself that i am alive. once or twice a day i sink to the bottom of myself and just stay there for a couple of minutes forgetting that i exist entirely.

●

this year had killed something in me. something that died long ago. i am not sad, not depressed. i came to realized the feeling in me that would combust anytime is anger. angst. / i knew it is slowly changing me inside because something has died, long ago. i will never forget those who caused me pain, on top on the pain i was experiencing through the changes. all those people who inflicted pain on me. directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally, out of goodwill of simply just wants to see me bleed. - i will remember. i will always remember those who ruined this part of me. / i will not forget. / see to it, i will prove myself by achieving. / because you did not believe in me. / and you will ask yourself "why didn't i believe her that time?"

because it's the last day // -
tomorrow i will be a different person, never again the person i was. not that anyone will notice. on the outside nothing will be different but something on the inside has burned up and vanished. blood has been shed and something inside me is gone. face turned down, without a word, that something makes it's exit. the door opens, the door shuts, the light goes out. this is the last day for the person i am right now, the very last twilight. when the dawn comes, the person i am won't be here anymore. someone else will occupy this body.

＊

"You are too young to be this pessimistic."
"What?"
"Looking only at the dark sides of things."
"Pessimistic... pessimistic... I am only seventeen and you may say i don't know much about the world, but i do know one thing for sure. If i am pessimistic, then all the adults of this world who aren't pessimistic are a bunch of idiots."

2011-12-15T12:49:00.009+08:00

One year station scans batch #1

2011-12-07T23:27:00.003+08:00

the sputnik sweetheart // -

a Haruki Murakami's book. Murakami explores familiar themes such as the effects of prolonged loneliness, growing up emotionally stunted in an overwhelmingly conformist society, and the conflict between following one's dreams and clamping down on them in order to assimilate into society. the book's major themes include loneliness and people's inability to truly know themselves or the people they love. This is symbolized by the recurring metaphor of the Sputnik satellites orbiting at a distance from the earth.

xmas is just round the corner. i will be scanning some of the contents of my personal sketchbook/journal. it will mean alot to me because it’s gonna be the first time i am exposing my personal sketchbook and writings... because this christmas i want to bring some inspiration to people too. (well, hopefully)

so do look forward and continue to keep a lookout for this space, i apologize for half trying to keep it alive by spamming a bunch of photographs post after post, i promise there will be a change to this.

x

2011-11-16T20:27:00.019+08:00

i'm a wild child, you know

2011-11-13T21:04:00.005+08:00

december is always good memories, i look forward to christmas very much.

x

2011-11-06T22:29:00.003+08:00

Tablo - Bad (나쁘다) Feat. 진실

Everybody says that something’s different, that I’ve changed
They say, you used to be full of love and care but
Since one day, you became cold
Everybody says that something’s different, that I’ve changed
They say, you used to be full of love and care but
Since one day, you became cold, they don’t get it
You used to smile a lot but your eyes,face
The way you speak, it all became dark and scary
Is it because of the memory that I want to kill
I erase myself from my heart
Cause a kind heart is useless
It’s a flaw in this world
So I guess I want to become worse and worse
Like the saying, lovers resemble each other
I guess this is my way to become like you
Bad, love is so bad
It became the reason to breathe
But now you block my breath

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad
I guess the more you get to know about love, you only become worse
Love is so bad bad bad bad bad
When you get to know love, your heartaches

You become worse as much as you know
I get angry easily when I used to not
I’m not myself
But I say, ‘what is like me?’ while I know it so well
I don’t see myself clearly
I get embraced in the dark
Even with my eyes closed, I can’t sleep comfortably
I wander all night, even one shot
I couldn’t drink but now I crave alcohol
Anxiously as I stumble on the rainy streets, I pick fights
My lips that used to whisper only good words
Now only swears whenever I breathe
I don’t pass by before the ember becomes a fire
I habitually lie and
I harass love with the name of love
Bad, people are so bad
You became the reason why I open my eyes
But now you block my sight

The worse thing than you, who is bad
Is that I can’t get over you, who is bad
I break apart and become worse
I become worse to other people

Bad, so bad, it hurts, it hurts so much
What we call love
Love is a sickness
Can I get a witness
Love is a sickness
Can I get a witness
Bad, so bad, it hurts, it hurts so much
What we call love
Love is a sickness
Can I get a witness
Love is a sickness Love

2011-10-12T20:08:00.000+08:00

like the lingering taste of vodka on my lips or the smokey air set deep in my clothes after a night out, you linger on in the same way, except through days and years that i’ve lost count of, that i was never able to wash off, from the feeling of your hands tangled up in my hair and the deepness of your voice still singing in my ears, down to the secrets we exchanged with just the language of our hips; all that is the none of you is all i still have of you, that all very much still lives in my skin.

2011-09-24T23:34:00.019+08:00

alright so i had the best night of my life so far.

these are my own videos form my own youtube channel.

let's just say:
- we started queueing for thw wristband at 11am.
- sat in the hot afternoon sun with a pink polka dotted umbrella.
- i have an awful tan from the scorching sun.
- we were rather ahead of the queue, about the first 20.
- many people started cutting queue when the gate was about be to opened.
- managed to get a (very) good spot right infront of the stage on the left side.
- stood and waited for another 1 1/2 hour after charice's stage ended.
- my feet were hurting like hell rftjrvrbfkcvnfehgerj.
- finally it's gtopri at about 1125, the intro took like 15mins?!
- riri opened the stage with 'vvip', followed by 'strong baby' then finally 'what can i do'.
- he is so fucking handsome in real life OMG my heart melted.
- my camera died on me what the fuck. therefore i don't have alot of seungri's photos. TT TT
- all photos of gd&top and the videos are taken using my phone with 16% of battery life left then.
- gd&top performed 'knock out', 'oh yeah' and 'high high'.
- encore stage: how gee. seungri and gd came right infront of us and danced on the speakers (!!!!!!) watch the video to see how CLOSE they were to us. it's like we could have touched if we reached our hands out to each other omg.
- when jiyong came and danced infront of us i literally went crazy. his swag, omgwtf I CANNOT. i thought i weren't breathing anymore.
- top didn't really walk over to our side. ):
- jiyong waved at me at the end when they were exiting the stage!!! well he waved at my direction so i insist that our eyes must have met for a slipt second.
- all in all, our effort, pain and sweat paid off. for being able to see them less than a meter away? YES.

2011-09-21T21:52:00.002+08:00

oh i had a good day today.

went to the beach with my lovely bunch of friends.

had lunch with beatrice, rebecca, jeremy, andy, vincent and abu before heading to the beach. we play some volley ball and frisbee before we all got lazy and sat around to chill out and talk. laurie came with her boyfriend and we went swimming for awhile, and we had a awesome dinner at the wavehouse. too bad sherman injured his ankle or he could have been with us.

despite it being the term break now, schoolwork is still constantly on our minds. i have a meeting to attend with sherman tomorrow in school representing the student body in class and dinner and beatrice's house afterwards.

so dead tired now, jeremy is right after all. and i am so glad i live in my own head. only me myself and i.

2011-09-19T00:26:00.007+08:00

click this away
君の傷のための花とモルヒネ // - flowers and morphine for your wounds
personal blog for all my artworks.

In certain areas of my life, I actively seek out solitude. Especially for someone in my line of work, solitude is, more or less, an inevitable circumstance. Sometimes, however, this sense of isolation, like acid spilling out of a bottle, can unconsciously eat away at a person’s heart and dissolve it. You could see it, too, as a kind of double-edged sword. It protects me, but at the same time steadily cuts away at me from the inside.

2011-08-29T21:10:00.002+08:00

你知不知道不想放弃却又无能为力的感觉?

2011-08-16T22:48:00.002+08:00

what is life without pain?
yesterday morning i was on my way to school and i was just thinking about this. a funny thought to have early in the morning but i don't blame myself. through all these while i have come to realized that our whole life is a struggle. my heart always aches, there's is always a kind of pain in me, different kind of pain at different points of my life. bearable or unbearable.

can i do without pain?
i don't think i can, at least not anymore. sometimes this little sour feeling in my heart is what keeps me sane. because i know i am growing and learning, as cliche as in might sound. i am learning to how to bear with more intense pain and heartache, i am growing to be a person who is more sensitive to my own and other's thoughts and feelings.

i transform it into beautiful pain, it allows me to create and write.

i dwell with a strangely aching heart.

2011-07-29T00:01:00.002+08:00

“The heart dies a slow death. Shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains.”

2011-07-20T10:12:00.006+08:00

finally picked up a new book yesterday. 5 hours was all i needed

After Dark | Haruki Murakami

the story of encounters set in Tokyo during the spooky hours between midnight and dawn. Haruki Murakami’s After Dark takes place over the course of seven hours during an autumn night in Tokyo. From midnight to dawn we follow five lost souls: a woman in a quasi-comatose state; a jazz musician at an all-night practice session; a prostitute assaulted at a “love hotel”; a salary man working late on a software project; and a 19-year-old girl looking to escape from the tension of her strained home life. Before the sun rises, each of these stories will intersect with the others.Murakami has long been admired for his depiction of the isolation and loneliness of modern Japanese life.

recently i am very into Japanese authors, so yesterday i went to Harris and picked out this book. i would say it really gripped me the moment i started reading. because Japanese authors are cool like that, they leave the meaning unexplained leaving you to find out more, which can be irritating at a certain point. another thing i love about them is that being in cities like Tokyo with many unknowns and possibilities, their stories tend to be more twisted and unusual. which is why i particularly like this book. i will not go on and summarize because the same principle applies, you will never know how good the food is until you have a taste yourself.

2011-07-11T19:59:00.003+08:00

catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for the rainy days. catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away.

2011-06-29T23:05:00.002+08:00

june playlist update:
- Lonely | 2NE1
- I Am the Best | 2NE1
- Intro: Thank you and you | BIGBANG
- Last Farewell | BIGBANG
- Keep Your Head Down | TVXQ
- Set Fire to the Rain | Adele

i read The Dream Maker every night, along with others like Tempus and Morning Coffee. i always get teary at the end but yesterday night was an exception, i was sobbing loudly alone in my room replaying those beautiful broken scenes in my head. it was weird because i was more affected than usual. maybe it's because i couldn't suppress any longer then bottled up emotions and frustration i tried to bury somewhere deep within me.

but reading them make me feel better, like dark chocolate. bitter and sweet is just the right feeling. broken, but beautiful because they are so in love with each other.

Pray that we meet again

Think that the world was jealous of us

Even if we’re far away from each other let’s keep our love

In your small heart, in our small hand don’t leave a scar

In your small shoulders, in your pretty eyes promise to not see the dark future

Pray that we meet again

2011-06-18T23:10:00.002+08:00

hi.

i met up with these girls yesterday for a movie. i didn't enjoy the movie because i am nowhere near a sci-fi fan, half of the time my eyes were squeezed shut. we hung around the cafe for a while and my bus ride home was long and miserable.

my boss likes to tease me whenever i wear a dress. he will either claim that i am going on a date or there is something wrong with me.

2011-06-10T09:33:00.002+08:00

all i know for sure is that i am in love with a daydream.

2011-06-06T10:35:00.001+08:00

This place is really pretty awesome. Up at the 5th floor of the shopping center, open concept with plenty of tables. There are tables by the glass window and i'd usually prefer seats by the window but i am not really fond of the view here as it overlooks ugly shophouses... So i chose a seat right beneath a flight of stairs. It's so good to be alone here. I don't even know how long i can stay here, with pretty fruit tarts and tea. I am enjoying this time where i can just sit in a small quiet cafe and write while listening to my favourite songs. And what's coming to such places without listening to Cafe? I can picture the scene so perfectly. I am wearing a white button down with blackshorts. I want to feel simple yet secretive. Coming from nowhere and going to nowhere. Uncertainty is the right word. I am still waiting for a day when i can i finally say 'It's all good.' I can always say it at this moment but that would be lying to myself.

Do you know why i keep coming back here? Because i don't know. This place feels comforting. Like a sanctuary in the busy town. I smell the fragrance of my tea. Peach nectar for today. This place is empty today. Not a single soul except for me. For the past few days i was barely coherent, i prayed and hoped very hard And i am still doing so. If anyone were to ask me, what am i doing and who am i, i would reply i am a writer waiting for a miracle to happen. It's true. I am writing a book for you and the miracle i am waiting for is the daydream i have been dreaming my whole life. Today i am here with the imaginary you. We talked and laughed and held hands. And i love your hand around my waist. If i could just meet you already... I will write you a happy ending. Like happily ever afters in fairy tales. But we can make it happen. I just need to meet you and i promise we will be the happiest people.

2011-05-27T09:23:00.000+08:00

不是浪, 而是泪海.

2011-05-17T11:01:00.002+08:00

have you ever apologized for pleading? it's the saddest thing in the world. my whole life is an apology for pleading for happiness and forgiveness. i have reach the point where i think that my life is the saddest thing in the world.

people i let close eventually leaves me. or sometimes i choose to push certain of them away. i have never got figure it out but these are details in my story, the main plot is about me and that i am alone inside of my head.

going on a hiatus.
i may not be back anymore.

2011-05-10T21:15:00.002+08:00

i admit. i am waiting for something i know won't ever happen, but for some reason i am still clinging on.

seungska, raim and jootop for wallpaper, always causing me to lol mentally whenever i flip my phone open.

i swear nothing can get more stressful than sitting back to back with your boss. even though we do not usually converse much but the there is so much awkwardness that tension starts to build. i shall do a post about my updated playlist tomorrow/soon. i totally raped my iTunes today.

2011-05-08T21:10:00.004+08:00

so today i turn 17.

yesterday: al and ai came in the morning and gave me a mini surprise. met my godparents for lunch and had a mini celebration at the ktv with my girls. we had korean food for dinner and everything was just so awesome.

today: had another surprise! half melted nutella ice cream cake. took pictures with my kids in sunday school and went over to granny's place and had mothers day cum birthday celebration. (oh look wow my birthday falls on mother's day every half a decade) received 40$ as birthday cash, had a blast with my cousins, arm wrestling! everyone was so fascinated with my instax camera.

and look who came yesterday!

riri the panda! VVIP for life. thanks everyone! x

2011-05-06T21:16:00.000+08:00

flames to dust. lovers to friends.

2011-05-04T20:26:00.005+08:00

i seriously cannot stand the obliviousness of people nowadays.

i was on the bus on my way home just now and it was evening peak hour. at a particular stop opposite a school many students boarded the bus. i was sitting near to the back of the bus and students starting filling the bus. people were all moving in to the rear to allow people to get on the bus. so well then this guy stopped infront of me and did not proceed to continue moving further in. there was still space for about at least 2 more passengers. i got kinda bothered by the fact that he wasn't moving in so i stared at him hoping that it will serve as a hint to him that he should move. but he was busy with his smartphone and was oblivious to his surroundings. (which really irks me) all the seats were taken so i thought that i should do something about it. i got off from my seat and moved to stand at the end of the bus, hoping that he'd take my empty seat so he wouldn't be blocking other passengers from moving to the rear. but he did not even shift because he was so focused on his smartphone that i doubt he even realised that i had stood up and slighty pushed pass him. (just to drop a hint of annoyance)

i try my best to play my part as a young citizen of the country to be considerate for others. not saying that i am a really great person here but imagine if every single one is unmindful about everything then where will our society be heading towards? this is certainly not the first time inconsiderate acts are spotted on public transport. i think this is a crucial issue to address before we can come and talk about solving other bigger issues.

2011-05-03T14:51:00.003+08:00

day 3 | write about your day in great detail.

i woke up at around 7:39am. my room clock is 10 mins faster so technically i woke up at 7:29am. i think i heard mom yelling. and then she came in and hit my butt asking me to wake up or else i'd be late for work. but i refused. so i continued laying in bed and fell back asleep until 8:02am. (my room's clock time) i went to wash up and pick my outfit. i was choosing between my blue bandage skirt and my black acid washed denim skirt. i am wearing my black denim skirt now. i texted a few person, packed my laptop and walked around the house before leaving home. i reached the bus interchange at 10:45am (my watch) and my bus came at 10:59am. the bus ride took 20 minutes. i bought half a pear and a slice of honey dew for lunch. they were cooking spaghetti in the office so i helped out a bit. i ate 2 pieces of grilled fish and received my pay cheque and got all excited about it and then coming to realise that i can't recall my account number. God i hope my mom remembers it. so i guess i am going to the bank to drop my cheque before going home.

current time: 4:04pm (my laptop)

one hour till i knock off. annyeong goodbye adios.

2011-04-30T22:30:00.004+08:00

it has came to a point where there is a need for me to visit town every weekend. i need to feel the crowd. now i just enjoy chatting over dinner and going to the over-packed flea market at the small basement of a mall.

today i received my advanced birthday present from lala and yan. they got me the big bang show tee from uniqlo which is so awesome. i will find a day to wear it to work, maybe on the days when i'm just too lazy to dress up i'd throw on the tee with a jeans.

for the pass few nights after returning home from work i have been watching jiyong and seungri on strong heart. they were so wonderfully created as human beings with ever over flowing adorableness. they are the loveliest. i just love jiyong's energy on stage during live performances because it's almost as if it's contagious. stay safe in japan boys, big bang fighting!

2011-04-26T21:23:00.006+08:00

new additions to my playlist.
seungri | strong baby

this is the performance for the song. i am not planning to put the mv here because it's nc16 and you need to have a youtube account to watch the full mv. as for why the mv is nc16 you can watch the performance and infer that the mv obviously has sexual reference scenes. when i watch the mv i can't concentrate on the song as i will be too busy watching the mv. over and over and over again. until i had to force myself to watch the performance so that i could actually listen to the song. well, like i can help it. this is like a korean version of sexy back and seungri is definitely, no doubt an asian replica of timberlake. i love this maknae so much idek.

big bang | love song

yup. no auto tune, no special effect, just jiyong crooning 'i hate this love song, i hate this love song', unsynchronized dancing and i absolutely love the surreal concept of the mv.

GD&TOP | baby goodnight

their songs are ridiculously addictive i'm not even kidding. this really makes a relevant good night song. the jazzy beat and jiyong's smooth voice as if he's coaxing you to sleep. 'baby goodnight~' hnnnnng + unf.

outfit post tomorrow. alright yes i bought a new top and yes i feeling like killing myself for springing on it without thinking twice. but oh well now i just have to make the best out of it. ppiong ppiong. ◕ܫ◕♪♫

2011-04-24T19:55:00.006+08:00

spent last night with cheryl in town. it has been two weeks since i last met her before yesterday. on the way to meet her i met a stranger and we became friends because we are going to be school mates. she approached me for a survey and so we found out from each other that we are going to enter the same college. the encounter was so amazing i don't even know, God is sending me friends (total strangers to friends!) even before school starts because God is cool like that.

i am currently heavily obsessed with working out. i usually just follow my regular routine of exercising every 3 days but recently i started physical conditioning everyday because i realised the need for me to have skinner thighs and flatter tummy. judge me all you want, bye.

2011-04-22T18:30:00.005+08:00

i hate being insecure. i hate that it makes me worry non stop. i hate feeling vulnerable, not knowing what's wrong. i hate that i always overthink. i hate that it is always like a thorn in my flesh. i hate getting upset over the slightest things. i always get my eyes teary. i am always on the verge of bursting out into tears. it pushes me to the edge. it always ruin everything. it is ruining me.

thailand shoes | new look thighs

2011-04-19T23:04:00.005+08:00

is there a limit to how much you can love somebody? no matter how much i hurt him ot get hurt by him i find myself far from hating him, actually hoping those wounds will scar, like burns because then you can never forget me.

2011-04-15T20:49:00.003+08:00

okay hi. i had a good time with alyss and ai today. singing at the ktv for $6 for the whole afternoon. stephanie sun and jay chou's songs are the best classics for ktv. for one of the songs i was able to hit lara's high note i almost couldn't believe my own ears. so many exclamation marks. i'm right now preparing the items for sale tomorrow. rented a space with cher at the flea market in town. i really hope for good weather and for decent crowds because school is starting on monday for everyone. well, almost everyone. and i really want to put up pictures of jiyong here but i shall spare you from it. anyway i've also considered him too adorable for the further view of the general public so... meh.

~~i swear overthinking will eventually kill me.~~

2011-04-13T10:11:00.001+08:00

You know the feeling you get under your heart when sadness has nowhere else to go? It pools there, weighing you down like a river in your bloodstream. And you can’t find a reason for it - you’re just sad. Nothing has happened. And maybe that’s the problem; maybe it’s because nothing has happened. It’s the feeling you get when you’re waiting for something unknowable. When you’re longing for something you’ve never had. Aching for a place you’ve never been. It’s not for no reason - it’s because what’s under your heart is actually a void and what you’re waiting for is something to fill it.

2011-04-11T21:31:00.003+08:00

today was great. i made another trip down to school to hand up the last piece of document. it rained heavily after i got down the bus so i waited for the rain to subside before i can start walking. many people had an anxious and dreadful look on their faces because they couldn't proceed with their journey due to the heavy rain while i just stood there munching on my pocky. headed down to alyss' place after that for home cooked korean food which is yumz. :)

so like any other of my entries, what is it without pictures/gifs korean boys?

asdfghjkl spazzing. xx

2011-04-08T08:45:00.004+08:00

i made a wasted trip to school yesterday, they won't let me submit my documents because it isn't complete. met SOOM for bowling and i totally sucked to the maximum yesterday but it wasn't because i have no skills i insisted that something went wrong. and so even before entering into college i am experiencing the workload and the frustration of a design student... i shall not elaborate on that but that's gonna be the story of my life for the next 3 years. x

2011-04-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

i cannot explain how painful it is to wait for something that never comes.

2011-03-30T22:36:00.004+08:00

look at this bad ass.
i conquered the battlestar galactica both human and cyclone. USS should totally give out certificates to those who've done it. i swear this ride is what makes it worth the money we spent for the entrance fees. but i strongly suggest and urge that this ride should only be attempted last. or else you'd end up like us not enjoying the rest of the rides, because once you've been up for battlestar galactica, the rest of the rides look completely harmless. yes this bad ass is so awesome that it makes the other rides looks almost stupid. awesome is certainly not enough to describe it and i am not even kidding. we took photos with mascots, and there was this particular one that was wearing this utterly horrible digusting outfit, like some sci fi alien character. he started coming near me so i screamed at him and ran away. but i went back to look for him, if he takes of his mask i will take a photo with him. but he ran away this time and i guess because he was mad that i screamed at him.

2011-03-26T00:02:00.000+08:00

Yes or no
The night with lights asleep, the room with lights turned off,
my tangled up thoughts of you doesn't untangle,
what do I have to blame to make myself feel a little bit better?
Was this deep love a sin?
They say I should just leave it to be, huh, I’m not too sure myself

2011-03-23T22:30:00.001+08:00

~~i fall in love too easily and i shatter easily.~~

you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.

2011-03-19T20:33:00.008+08:00

chiang mai, thailand.

maesa elephant camp
it's like this huge place for elephants. we went for the elephant ride and i said sorry to the elephant before and after the ride because i felt really bad. it almost seemed like a torture to all the elephants. and after the elephant show i concluded that elephants can paint better than me.

kalare night bazaar
two streets away from our hotel. i spoke to the stall holders in thai, asking for the price and they replied me with the in thai, and i just stared at them because i have completely no idea what they said. along the streets of so many stalls i got so much comment that i look like a thai. "you look like thai but you no speak thai?"

umbrella factory
where bamboo umbrellas are made. in the factory there is this huge ass white umbrella than can cover like 30 people? cool story bro.

prince royal college
friendly people, friendly dogs. girls wear their skirts that reaches way over their knees and they tie pigtails to school.

university street
where all the youngsters hang out. you can find all the clothes and apparels at dirt cheap price. so basically i bought so much clothes i don't even know where to start wearing.

brownie steak buffet
the place where you can have steak buffet at 83 baht and i am not even kidding when i said this is the best place ever.

we travelled in a pick-up, all 8 of us sitting at the back. john was being such a troll. we spent our time at the back of the vehicle laughing so hard until no sound were coming from us so we ended up clapping like retarded seals and our tummy ached. chang-lephant, fishsphere noodles, jon's dazzling necklace, tuki tuki....
i'm glad that i'm finally back and sorry for this short post. i ought to elaborate more but i'm so tired that i can't even. chiang mai is super fun, even if this post doesn't even sound close. much love, x.

2011-03-10T21:03:00.022+08:00

i will be catching a flight to northern Thailand tomorrow evening for 8 days of adventure. i have with me a canon 350 + 50mm f1.8 lens which look promising altogether. oh, wanderlust. i will leave you with many loves here. xx.

2011-03-06T17:47:00.004+08:00

yesterday night was spent with alyss, aimin and shirleen at the waterfront. we walked from funan to esplanade and i was being all touristy, snapping away with alyss' itouch. well, i have to admit that i was captivated by the night scenes by the waterfront. from the colorful lights of the bridges and the singapore flyer, to laser lights beaming into the night sky from marina bay sands. the lights from the endless urban skyline speaks so much of our country's achievements. hah, i felt proud being a singaporean for the first time. sorry for this seemingly patriotic rant.

i spent today afternoon with clarice in town. i stained my favorite blouse with lip gloss, and i lost my eyeliner.

xx.

2011-03-01T20:49:00.002+08:00

baby i love you more than i love myself.

2011-02-28T20:59:00.004+08:00

the awkward moment when you realise everyone is going to disappoint you in one way or another.

i am feeling rather unsettled again. i feel annoyed now because i can't sort my thoughts out again. umm so today i went to shop for clothes alone. i bought shoes and tops, also went stationary shopping for my brother. on my way to the mall i was approached by some insurance company for a survey, he told me he was doing a survey for the zoo, which was obvious he was lying because he had the company's lanyard hung over his neck. he proceeded to ask me if i'm married/planning to get married and do i have any kids that i know of because i am so slim i don't look like i had given birth. when he found out from me that i'm 17 that poor guy got the biggest shock of his life... well, yeah. story of my life...

2011-02-24T20:09:00.005+08:00

it was not the feeling of completeness that i so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.

2011-02-20T19:29:00.003+08:00

do you ever dream so much that you start to scare yourself? i mean, have you ever just withdrawn from reality and made yourself a little home in the quarters of your mind? then you dream up something ideal and all of a sudden you feel little waves of panic wash over you because you've just realised this whole mess you've made in your head. and the scariest thing you realised is that while you've been living above and beyond what you want in your mind, you haven't really been living in reality at all.

2011-02-18T18:37:00.006+08:00

who still reads this space?

Serve sessions are ending soon. that means no more travelling down to SAV every morning. no more early morning long bus rides on 154/151. no more $3 fried rice. no more eye candy.

but im excited for Thailand trip! ^^

2011-02-14T18:15:00.006+08:00

i don’t know how it happened. how we all became so fragile, so incredibly breakable. i don’t know why my tears can fall so easily yet every single one feels like i’m failing at this facade of being happy, fine, and alive. i don’t understand how missing someone can quietly kill you and how an unrequited love, just robs you of this sense of hope we all should have.

today afternoon was completely unproductive. i was suppose to come home and work on my portfolio but i spent my afternoon sleeping and waking.

i don't need a valentine k i love them.

2011-02-10T14:50:00.006+08:00

sick~

this is sausage.

i can't stop flipping them.

being sick plus listening to sad songs. most miserable week of my life. i went to the doctor three times and i've been taking all my prescribed drugs like meals.

if you would just appear next to me now.

나 그댈 갖지 못해도내 맘이 끝내 슬픈 인연의 벽 앞에 가로막혀도 사랑해 바라볼 수만 있는 곳이라면 그댄 내 전부니까

2011-02-09T09:08:00.000+08:00

[Jonghyun] Your traces that my heart is filled with
Makes me able to breathe
[Onew] When the long night is colored by the moonlight
Will the inescapable wait all end?
[Taemin] I wish for a miracle and ask and answer myself

[Taemin] Oh, I can’t tell you about me, who wants to reach your heart
[Jonghyun] Like the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
[Key] I love you, in the end, this painful confession
That lingers at the edge of my lips
[Onew] Slides down in tears

[Key] This arrow that’s reached my heart
Feels like a part of my body now
[Minho] Even though it hurts to death
[Jonghyun] I can’t remove you, who’s stuck in my heart
[Onew] Because it’s love, because for me, it’s love

[Onew] Even if I can’t have you, even when my heart
[Key] Is blocked in the end by the wall of sad connection
[Taemin] I love you, if it’s a place, where I can just watch you
[Jonghyun] Because you’re my everything

[Key] I stay up for so many nights
[Jonghyun] When the starlight becomes rain
That doesn’t stop like my tears
[Onew] Remember that I loved you

[Taemin] Even if I can’t have you, even when my heart
[Onew] Is blocked in the end by the wall of sad connection, I love you
[Minho] If it’s a place, where I can just watch you
[Jonghyun] Because you’re my everything

[All] Even if I can’t have you, even when my heart ([Jonghyun] I need you)
Is blocked in the end by the wall of sad connection,
([Jonghyun] I am trying not to cry over you, baby)
I love you, if it’s a place, where I can just watch you
([Key] I love you, I love you)
Because you’re my everything

[Jonghyun] It’s not tough, oh no
[Taemin] Because you have to be mine
In order for you to be you
[Onew] Even if it hurts
Even if you make me cry
I love you

2011-02-08T09:07:00.003+08:00

i'm down with throat infection. last night i was wrapped up in my blanket with no fans and windows and door shut to make myself sweat and i felt better somehow. mama woke me up this morning to make me eat my porridge and watch me take my medicine before she left for work and i finished up my book Five People You Meet in Heaven. it's always a weird effect prescribed drugs have on me, i alway feel calm and peaceful after taking in a large amount. it's a good thing. i feel good now.

2011-02-02T22:09:00.003+08:00

Hazel Kitty Emmanuella Raju Foo.

lonely people are always up in the middle of the night.

[010211/12:58AM] the stars are uncountable tonight. our galaxy is so amazing. i go to bed with praise and thanksgiving in my heart to our Creator.

2011-01-31T19:46:00.003+08:00

it's like the rainy season now, for days and nights the rain never seem to stop. ummm so last night i was praying that the rain would turn into snow in the morning... God just let it snow here. went New Year shopping with mom in the afternoon and dined at Coffee Club. bought tops (apparently XS is too fitting for me now) and a new sweater which is so comfy that i can't even

i wish i can turn my stupid motion eye webcam on and post a photobooth picture of my engagement ring (with my gleeful face) but well too bad until now i don't even know how to operate my motion eye on my Vaio. shut up.

God just let it snow for a day~

2011-01-28T19:57:00.006+08:00

so i almost didn't want to get out of my bed this morning. but i'm glad i did because i felt much better. or maybe i felt better because i love the outfit i was wearing today and i was listening to Taemin singing I'm Yours. had a fresh start in the morning :)

omg Taeminnie i want to squish you.

2011-01-26T22:33:00.001+08:00

no text from you tonight?

2011-01-25T22:14:00.002+08:00

it's this stupid feeling all over again. tomorrow will be the posting of school results which explains why i am having this lousy feeling again. so tomorrow it also SERVE stupid outing to the beach but i doubt i will have any mood to do anything.

it feels like a thousand of exclamation marks in my heart and one big question mark constantly on my mind.

2011-01-24T20:33:00.001+08:00

sad sad sad sad sad sad sad tonight.
i'm cheering myself up, passing many nights awake.

2011-01-23T20:31:00.002+08:00

it's worse at night, the ache. i have those few brief moments where i feel i'll actually be okay tonight, but then it hits me like a tons of bricks like it always does. it cuts to the core and i just can't ignore it anymore.

2011-01-20T19:06:00.006+08:00

edited-/
hi, right now i'm upset and pissed because

i left work early but my dear cousin Joey stood up on me, i went to the ATM but i still can't draw any cash even though i dropped my cheque in this morning, and walking home from central from the bank made me missed close to an hour of SMA.

ytd:

[SOOM]: uniform day.

and i am even more upset now because i just found out SHINee have performed FML.

2011-01-19T18:50:00.001+08:00

“When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn’t make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. “It’s all right,” we whisper, “I’m here, I love you.” and we lie: “I’ll never leave you.” For just a moment or two the darkness doesn’t seem so bad.”

2011-01-17T20:47:00.002+08:00

Soom.

Serve started 2 weeks ago and boot camp SUCKED. um i shall not go into the over complicated details. i hate the fact that sessions starts at 9am every morning and i would miss like 500 overcrowded buses because of SIM and Ngeeann students. we are given assignments today on Apostle Peter but i seriously doubt anyone would give a shit.

what should i wear tmr? i need a new bag i can't wait for my pay to come.

2011-01-15T20:40:00.003+08:00

" i don't deny that sometimes i tend to take things personally. because i feel too much, more that necessary. if i say "i love you", i really mean it. on the outside in reality most will say that it's absolutely okay if the other don't love you back, as long as he is happy, you share the happiness. because you said you love. c'mon. fuck these craps because you're not being honest with yourself. your narrow mind will tell your selfish heart the opposite. you want to be loved back. you want to keep him like he is your possession. you take joy seeing him being happy without you? do you really? you want to be loved for once. because has been a long time since you felt such affection. or maybe we never even did experience it before. pathetic us, when are we going to admit this? "

i am not crazy. my reality is just different from yours.

2011-01-15T00:24:00.002+08:00

boot camp is over and i felt like i have not been home and for 10 years.

i need to guard my heart.

2011-01-11T19:50:00.003+08:00

tell and tell me that i am your only reason to live.

2011-01-10T21:19:00.001+08:00

this feeling of serious hopelessness and despair. my future is uncertain and i have never been so afraid.

2011-01-08T22:14:00.003+08:00

2011-01-06T17:35:00.002+08:00

What I'm trying to say is that I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much.

2011-01-04T20:28:00.003+08:00

meet the Peanut gang. first day of being a member of the church staff.

i want to enjoy my life right now because i don't know what i will do to myself after collecting my results next Monday/Tuesday.

2011-01-03T22:01:00.004+08:00

-edited/
i can't wait for results day but i'm wreck nervous about it. but after that day, EVERYTHING WILL BE O.V.E.R. everything. because i had enough too.

Serve starts tmr. need more Kpop in my playlist. need more sexy GIFs in my phone. need to calm the fuck down and stop worrying about results day.

2011-01-02T23:11:00.001+08:00

11:11
i wish that when i wake up tmr i am living in the perfect world i created.

2011-01-01T19:48:00.002+08:00

happy new year!

emceed for thanksgiving service today and i believe i tried my best to be as natural as possible. i know it was not a fantastic job done but i will definitely work on improving myself. had a nice chat with Serene on the way home. oh, what did i do last night? caught MBC Gayo Daejun on live stream and then GDA on tv, mass texted everyone at 12am but only got replies and texts at 1230am because of the lagging network.

i don't deny that i love the internet. i grew up with the internet. the things that the world can offer seems too good to be true and this slowly grows deep within my heart. the never ending materialistic cravings. immersing in fandom has created in me a forceful desire and hunger for stardom. as i continue to feed it with my feelings, all these yearnings grows deeper and deeper. it cannot be removed. it can never be satisfied.

i need to watch what i am becoming.

2010-12-31T20:39:00.002+08:00

welcome to a world where people talk about about each other. everyone lies, everyone tries to be something they’re not,
nobody can keep a secret, and friendships that lasted years are broken. people leave. life doesn’t stop for anyone.
throughout everything you have to remember that everything happens for a reason. there’s a reason certain people aren’t in your future.
and of course, good things fall apart so better things fall together. you can’t be sad. you can’t waste anymore time.
be happy. enjoy the times you’ve had; cherish the memories. remind yourself everyday how great everything is because one day it might not be there.
never take anything for granted. someday everything will all make perfect sense.
so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.
it’s the art of not letting it get to your head, not letting it break your heart, and not letting the world see when it does.
we know there are certain things in life that are better left unknown. things you wish you never asked, never heard, and some never felt.
but what kind of way is that to live life? live life on the edge of the ledge; to the extreme.
love the people who treat you right and forget about the people who don’t.
be with the people who make you happy. never try to be someone you aren’t;
one day someone will love you for everything you are, everything you’ve been, and everything you want to be.
and when you find that person, never let them go. stay true to yourself; very few people will stay true to you.
live your life the way you want too. you’re in control. forget about what’s coming tomorrow.
sometimes all you can do is not think. not wonder. not obsess. not imagine. just breathe. breathe in, breathe out.
everything works out in the end, and the more time you spend worrying about it, the longer it takes for things to end perfectly.. just the way they should.

goodbye 2010. goodbye to you.

btw, i am a full time shawol now.

2011, fighting.

2010-12-30T09:07:00.003+08:00

2011 is coming. time to start letting go of 2010. this feeling we experience is nothing new. the feeling of uncertainty and anticipation, the urge of wanting to release everything but then tighten your grip the next second. but you know you need, you need to release them all. this feeling is nothing new. this feeling is bittersweet.

2010-12-28T18:10:00.004+08:00

sometimes some things are better left unknown. it's that point of moment when you found out something you rather not know and your heart sinks immediately.

ouch. really.

2010-12-27T08:43:00.002+08:00

hello all. this Christmas was rather uneventeful. met up with Nyehs on the eve for a movie and rushed home to bake and complete my undone gifts. Christmas morning was spent in church and all of us were squirming in our seats during sermon because we all just couldn't wait to pass out the pressie :) and then the canteen was in a complete chaos of people running around carrying bags of presents and yelling names, and "did you see.....?" or "where is ......?" haha i love Christmas. my Christmas presents are awesome! i love all of them and of course the surprise present from mom (with the help of Yan) <3

mini party at my house ytd. dad was so amused by our drinking game and we stopped all games by 4pm and we settled down and caught the top Korean idols awards on MTV, like whoooooooooo~ Lala, Shir, Alyss and i ended up spazzing around my living room when Lucifer came on :D all in all we had a great time spent tgt ytd.

hmmmm 2010 is coming to and end so i'd use the last few days of 2010 to do some reflection and recollection for my new year's eve post.

believe me. believe love. love is invincible. with love nothing can stop us.

2010-12-25T17:31:00.002+08:00

Basorexia this Christmas.

2010-12-23T19:22:00.001+08:00

what comes around goes back around.

2010-12-22T19:53:00.003+08:00

so this few days had been really unproductive for me to be honest. i went out on Monday and ytd to get some more materials for my Xmas gifts. met Alyss today and headed down to Chinatown for dim sum. tmr is outing with T9 to the skating rink and BBQ and west coast park.

i don't like to be touched because i craved it too much. i want to be held tightly so that i wouldn't break. even now, when people lean down to touch me or put a hand on my shoulder or hug me, i hold my breath, i turn my face. i want to cry.

2010-12-21T12:15:00.001+08:00

i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers and laid entwined together on a bed of clover left there to sleep and left there to dream of their happiness.

2010-12-19T19:16:00.003+08:00

i blame myself for opening my heart to you. i won't fall, i won't

ytd: captain's ball with clique, and xmas concert. now i really hate my black dress.
today: magical xmas at Expo with Cheryl. Shir's house warming and then Anchor point with Yp.

sheesh just look at this pathetic paragraph. i might as well just not blog today right.

btw J, "- but all his jests were cruel and all his smiles were false" let's forget last night.

2010-12-17T08:58:00.002+08:00

i may not be cute and smart. i don't have perfect good skin and i am not anywhere near gentle but i will always be your sunflower.

2010-12-16T12:04:00.004+08:00

1. my love for banana milk.
2. Kpop is fucking addictive.
3. a sunflower can mean so much love.
4. my own world is the best place to be.
5. someone stole your heart, too.
6. i love love. love is invincible.

2010-12-14T20:34:00.003+08:00

oh na na~ what's my name?

sincere apologies from me for the lack of proper updates.
happy sweet sixteen Lala! 당신을 사랑합니다!!! hope you liked the mini surprise we planned for you :) even though it didn't turn out as good as i thought it'd be because not everyone was at home...

hmmm nowadays i am so absorbed into watching my shows until i don't really give a damn about anything anymore. ke ke. this Saturday is x'mas concert! hope everything turns out well. :)

and who the fuck says money can't buy happiness? give me the money and i'll be the happiest girl you have ever seen.

2010-12-13T09:48:00.001+08:00

how do you forget something that was never yours to remember?

2010-12-10T09:49:00.004+08:00

SJCp children's camp 2010 :)

Pencils! all my kids and my assistant grp leader Euan. had a gr8 time with them!

Mark! and the Mario cap.

\

kekekekekeke Lala and i.

today is stay home day. this few days there will not be much wordy entry as 1) i am rather lazy. 2) my life is pretty much a vicious cycle between laptop, food, going out, midnight Korean dramas and sleep.

i am rather excited for x'mas concert and i need to paint my nails red today.

2010-12-07T20:34:00.003+08:00

love comes slyly, like a thief.
you don't know this, you literally had me at hello.

sigh, here comes another wild ride for my heart.

2010-12-05T18:25:00.005+08:00

爱不单行，别害怕。

2010-12-03T18:23:00.002+08:00

i don't understand how you can look at me like it's nothing.

like i never meant anything to you.

like i was never in your life.

2010-12-02T18:18:00.003+08:00

i miss school. i miss your smile. i miss you.

had lunch with Hanqin today. got a grey tee from Uniqlo and then shortly after i walked out of the shop it occurred to me that i have too many grey shirts... the sweaters at Uniqlo are so cute! i am going back to get it tmr and i spotted this cute cashier boy too :)

right now life is sleeping at 2am and waking up at 8 in the morning and go on internet watching variety shows until noon and then meeting random people for coffee and coming home to continue what i left on the internet and this is a vicious cycle.

hmmm i am excited for Saturday's dance training.

2010-12-01T20:49:00.003+08:00

take me out tonight i want to see the people i want to see the lights

2010-11-30T20:13:00.003+08:00

Isn't it sad that we're all so young, yet we're so depressed, alone, forgotten, paranoid, judgmental and afraid of the future? What happened to being young, living life, having fun and not giving a fuck?

哭死我了! 很少看到MV会友短头发的女孩子.

town with Clarice today. i love Clarice because she won't ever judge me. i love Clarice because i can tell her anything. i love Clarice because she understands me. i love Clarice because she only drinks coffee. i love Clarice because she listens to me.

inextinguishable happiness.

2010-11-29T19:29:00.006+08:00

remember last year's today?

happy Mount Kinabalu anniversary to all my teammates :)

time of our lives. i will forever remember this 5 days.

ok so i did some shopping alone today at Daiso. i couldn't take my hands off all the Japanese snacks. they all look so yummy. but the Takoyaki rings i bought is quite a disappointment ): anyways i also bought a basket specially for all my wallets. he he i'm finally packing my room and i'm going to get rid of the stupid shelve so i need to pack... ummm......................

i think someone need to shoot me.

imma go thrifting tmr huahuahuahuahuahuauahua. Wednesday ish baking weth mai gud fran Lala kekekekekekekekeke.

2010-11-28T20:08:00.002+08:00

pls let me disappear.

2010-11-26T20:26:00.008+08:00

friday night lights/prom update/the galaxy is my home

i love fridays.

we had an awesome shit time at prom ytd! we hit the dance floor and we all danced like it was the last night of our lives. whoooooo. we punched our fists in the air and we chorused "now i'm feelin' so fly like a G6" even though my feet are aching until now because ytd we were all dancing and jumping ard in high heels but it's all worth it. :) wonderful night spent with our dearest batch.

i want to live with the stars and the moon.

2010-11-26T09:41:00.002+08:00

i don't want to go to work!

ohbtw, i only have one photo of prom in my camera. the photo of me and JJ. :D

yes i feel like killing Lufeng for spoiling the photo and yes i am going to crop the photo.

kbai.

2010-11-23T18:13:00.005+08:00

started work on ytd. it was not as bad as i thought it'd be and... okay let's just leave it at that first.

last night the moon and the stars were beautiful. they were shining to brightly that they can turn into fireworks anytime. and the most amazing thing that happened was that i saw a shooting star! fuck, like srsly! it flew across right before my eyes! i was amazed and awestruck that i stood there not believing my eyes then i shut my eyes and made a wish lol. i was so excited i ran into my house exclaiming to my mom that i saw a shooting star. omggggggg the galaxy is so wonderful. :)

weird but im looking forward to children's camp.

2010-11-21T15:34:00.004+08:00

two days ago Cher turned 16. congratz girl :) Spent Friday @ Marina Barrage with the Nyehs to celebrate Cher's 16th and homecell bowling at night.

i was feeling rather numb during chalet for the whole night. ummmmm we played Uno and Lufeng suck at it. a game of Uno which can be easily completed in about 20 mins with 6 players ended up to an about 45 mins game between Lufeng and Weiyang.

we spent the night slipping Breezers and watching Hi my Sweetheart. i thought i was half asleep and half sober by 4am and i was blabbering nonsense to Weiyang. this morning we booked out and had a rather good time at Wild wild Wet. heh i was pretending to be their lifeguard (just because i took swimming class 3 times in the pass and now i feel like i am Poseidon)

starting work tomorrow. a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. remember me.

2010-11-20T09:58:00.002+08:00

how about i'll be nothing? nothing at all to you.